2013 The Year Of The Duh!
It's January once again and of course every website, news outlet, and media thing has to put together their "Best/Worst/Trends/Things That Happened In <insert year here>!!" list; so why shouldn't I be any different? (Editor's note: Yeah I know it's February already, I'm a procrastinator, so sue me.) I wanted to sum up a few things that happened in 2013 in the news that really stood out to me. Now maybe this list will be obvious to some people, maybe it won't, or maybe I've reached the end of the internet and everything is coming back in front of me over and over again.
Country Music Lyrics Are Repetitive
Kicking off the list is the inspiration for this whole thing to begin with. In December of 2013 (I swear I'm not going to work backwards on this list, well, not on purpose at least) a music critic for Entertainment Weekly was compiling their yearly 10 Best Country Albums of 2013 list when he was stricken with a bad case of déjà vu. He apparently had a hard time compiling the list with more mainstream country artists because all their lyrics were quite repetitive. Was he the only person unaware of this? I mean seriously, how does the old joke go?
Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards? A: You get your wife, dog, and truck back!
Granted now a days they've replaced losing everything in their life that has meaning with trying to nail down the wife, dog, and truck. Actually most of the lyrics sound a lot more like they were written by Chris Farley because they seemingly involving a living in a vehicle down by the river. I guess modern country music has become a prequel of itself. And why not? It's been working out so well for Hollywood all these years.
The best part, well the least worst part, if you compile all the things that go into a country song it starts to sound a little rapey. "Here, drink this 'good stuff,' get into my truck, and let's head down to the river by the moonlight where no one can hear you scream... uh mean, where no one else is around." Nothing scary about that at all, right ladies? Let's just hope Hefty Trash Bags don't write a promotional country song and all the hillbillies out there start getting bright ideas. Actually, I don't think we ever have to worry about people who listen to country music getting any ideas at all.
Stick A Mic In Front Of A Redneck And They'll Say Something Racist or Homophobic
While we're on the subjects of Southerners, let's jump right into our next debacle of 2013. Did you know that some people from the south are intolerant of other people's race or lifestyle? No, really they are. I know this may come as a shock but there are still some racism left in the part of this country that fought a war to keep black people slaves. The weirdest part is the rest of the USA was shocked by this.
Let's start off with how our attentions were captured by the diabetic, buttered up, lard enthusiast Paula Dean. What? No, not the Scarlett O'Hara of The Food Network! You mean to tell me the woman who's dream "Southern Plantation Wedding" consists of a waitstaff of actual black men in white suits and gloves (you know so they don't touch your food because that's how you become black) used the "N-word" once (or more)? Okay enough of the snark, Food Network star Paula Deen admitted in court she has never told a racial joke, but has used the "N-word" when being sued for sexual and racial harassment.
Let's skip the hilarity of a man who makes his living tricking fowl into having sex with him for money referring to homosexuality as bestiality. Instead let's focus on the shock and dismay we all (you all) displayed when we (when you) found out most people in this country doesn't understand parts of the Constitution. Later in 2013 Duck Dynasty head honcho Phil Robertson said in a GQ interview,
"It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical."
He was then suspended by their host network A&E due to public outcry only to then later run a marathon of their before the press conference mics were turned off. No seriously you can hear "soo-eee" calls as they're walking away from the podium. Fans of the show, who most likely can't spell high school diploma, grabbed their Facebook pitchforks and took to the internet demanding the Anas rubripes of the ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT CHANNEL (Editor's note: both none of which that show is,) be reinstated because he has the right to say what he wants without fear of prosecution... from the government. A&E isn't a government organization, is it? I honestly don't keep up with politics. Now the 2nd Amendment does allow you to say whatever your heart's desire is, but it also doesn't protect you from us calling you an idiot nor does it stop your employer from saying "Uh, yeah don't speak on our behalf any more. Please?" Oh yeah and he said some racist stuff too in case you weren't convinced Southerns are hate mongers. Okay not all, but most. Okay a lot of them.
As a whole 2013 was just one big facepalm after another. Let's hope the rest of 2014, all eleven remaining months of it, have a little more logic to it and less "Did he just say that?"
- Deadair Dennis.