The Consequences of Outlawing The Paparazzi

Currently the Hawaiian government is putting legislation together that would outlaw the paparazzi from taking pictures of celebrities while vacationing on the isles. The bill is currently named The Steven Tyler Act, after former American Idol judge and Aerosmith front-man Steven Tyler. Why name it after the scarf waving singer who's only number one hit was the song for that Ben Affleck movie? Because Steven is not only a big supporter of the bill but because he kids refuse to go to Hawaii after some very unflattering photos of him with grandma-esc man boobs started popping up.Since the Hawaiian government makes tons of money not only from the visiting celebrities but  also the drones of E! watchers who flock their to catch a glimpse of their favorite celebs because they continuously see the pics from the paparazzi of the celebs vacationing on the isles. Kind of meta? Anyway, Hawaii wants to protect these interests and hopefully not become the new Viper Room, you know trendy celebrity hot spot where one of them will ultimately overdose on the street in front of everyone. (See also: River Phoenix)The bill will allow people the power to sue others who take photos or video of their private lives in an offensive way. Using such methods as telephoto lenses or other advanced equipment to record them on their private properties, unless used by a cop. DAMN IT! I kind of was hoping this bill would create a new mafia in Hawaii. With gangsters walking the streets talking about "taking care of that thing" with their hands covering their mouths. Except let's be honest it would be populated with greased hair "Jersey Shore" ass-clowns quoting Joe Pesci ad nauseum.So would this be the death of the paparazzi? One can only hope. If the bill goes through, maybe other resort areas will follow suit? Maybe we can rid this world of the paparazzi and every jerk-off with a cell phone camera doing bad shaky interviews with celebs walking down the street hoping to get on TMZ. What a wonderful world that could be? No more paparazzi. No more headlines "We Caught Celeb A hanging out with Celeb B!" or "See What So&So Is In Trouble For Now! With Video!" Almost too good to be true.But of course there is a cloud beneath every silver-lining. And in this case it could be a black cloud of epic death and destruction, figuratively speaking. Let's say hypothetically Hawaii passes the Steven Tyler Act, and other states follow. Banning the paparazzi from taking photos of celebs out and about. Well the gossip rags will ultimately suffer, getting rid of the whole demand for trashy "famous people in compromising situation" photo-craze. And I know you're saying "Dennis, where is the downside?" Just hold on. What about all those <start finger quote>Celebrities<end finger quote> who have only become celebrities because of the paparazzi? What will they do? They not only crave the captive attention of millions of brain dead idiots who validate their continual celebrity status exponentially, provided by the paparazzi, but it's their entire reason for living.Now I would love to say The Steven Tyler Act could create a ripple through the next few years that will ultimately lead to the death of many of so-called celebrity attention whores. But it won't. As much as we'd like for these soulless narcissists to one day shrivel up and die when the cameras stop flashing, they're still living... things ("thing" is really the best choice of words here) that will attempt to thrive and live on, much like any other creature.Which means that the Paris Hiltons and Kardashian families will still seek out the subjugated attention that keeps their life-force sustained. And do you know how they'll do it? By coming to our homes. Imagine the annoying, drunk, whining, no-talent, messes in your own living room. Incapable of leaving until you give them their rightfully self-entitled deserved attention. Ever have that homeless guy following you around the streets trying to make a case on why you should give him your spare change? Yeah this is obviously worse! Much worse! I guess we'll just have to live in a world with headlines of movie stars without make-up and photos of women who's only talent is injecting herself with copious amounts of semen and surviving. Let's keep the celebrities and attention whores out of our homes! Say No To The Steven Tyler Act!