The End of Drunk Texting As We Know It.

Ever have one of those mornings out of a Katy Perry video? You know the "What the hell did I do last night?!" You and a few friends go out for a couple of drinks at the local bar and wake up in a strange house, head pounding, room spinning, maybe a new tattoo on your chest, and your best friend Tony is no where to be found, and can't remember how this happened. Well kiss that fun story to tell your coworkers good bye. Science is here to the rescue.A team of researchers at UCLA and USC are working working on an antidote to being drunk. The biochemists of boredom have been testing capsules containing two enzymes that can potentially take a person from drunk to sober in a matter of minutes.  They have been testing this on mice and have seen their blood alcohol levels fall quickly and significantly by injecting them with oxidase enzymes. Oxidase produces hydrogen peroxide, so it has to work in concert with another enzyme that decomposes the harmful alcohol by-products that make you drunk. This doesn't mean that if you need to sober up before your next court hearing you should drink the hydrogen peroxide that you use to dye your hair with! But I encourage you to prove me wrong.What could this mean for the future of drinking? Well for starters there will be a new machine in the bathroom next to the condom dispenser that gives out magic sober pills. Which means there are going to be a lot of disappointed fat girls and creepy guys at last call from here on out. Also putting an end to last minute drunk booty calls to your ex at 2am while you're waiting in line to get a slice of pie or a chicken box at the only place open at 2am. Given some of the sketchy neighborhoods I've been to at 3am looking for food that is a good thing.What about drunk driving? Will we finally see something that could put an end to all the tragic deaths at the hand of idiots that refuse to a designated driver? Maybe. But than what are we going to do with all the curry-smelling immigrants that drive taxi cabs? And the millions of dollars the government gets for fines and court fees for drunk drivers? Not good for the economy here people.Now as much as I would like to see and end to drunk driving as we know it, I don't think I can support the creation of such a pill. Can you imagine how unfair it is for someone to go out, get hammered and not waking up with the painful reminder of what you did last night? HELL NO! I refuse to let future generations get away with having the best nights of their lives and not have to deal with the embarrassment of praying to the porcelain gods "UUHHGG! I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. *PUKE*"No! I refuse to let go of the fun of drawing penises on my friend's face after he passes out because he thinks he can drink an Irish Carbomb every hour on a Tuesday night. Call me nostalgic but those are some of the best nights of my life and will not willingly let the children I one day bare not partake in such a right of passage! How else does one know they can't attempt such a feat without seeing the face of regret in the mirror?And most importantly our grandchildren will never understand the plot to the movie The Hangover without actually having a hangover themselves. And that would be a crime against cinema!